I'm an auntie again! I've always loved being able to say that. I don't say auntie any other time. This is W. She was born on Aug 26 and I'm completely in love with her of course. Whenever I hold a newborn it feels like the first time, no matter how much time has passed since the last one. I think the last time was was H, her big sis. Many moons ago, but really just 2½ years.
I held little W again a couple days ago. It felt wonderful to just hold her close. I'm always off in my own little world, but more so when I'm holding a baby. I kept her mama from her much needed nap and made her big sis late for her nap. I feel bad about that...my timing is usually pretty awful.
Babies are on my mind a lot. Not just cuz they're around. Something deeper that's hard to talk about, because even after all these years, people still tell us we need to have another baby. Some people who have good intentions. Some people who have no business saying it. Some people who think we aren't a "complete" family because we don't have a daughter. But that's bullshit. Sure, sometimes I feel like someone or something is missing from our family. Not necessarily a daughter. Maybe nothing I can even label. Maybe a couch. I have no right to yearn for more than what I have, no right at all. I know a lot of people who can't have kids at all. Or don't have a car. And I know I'm lucky as hell to be able to not work. I should work, the money would be nice, but I can't seem to find a job that will let me have every 3rd month off cuz my kids are off-track.
I'll admit this right now, I'm jealous of the relationship my sister-in-law has with her mom. I'd say I miss that with my mom, but can you miss what you didn't have? I know, that sounds callous. But this seems to be another undefinable feeling. Or maybe I can define it but know that I shouldn't.
For now I'll be content to snuggle a baby when her mama will let me, and follow a 2½ year old as she shows me her room and her sister's room and her toys and I try to teach her some letters with fridge magnets. Cuz in my little world, those things are just about the best things ever.
That's all for now.
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